maybe it's time to blog again.
has been working, off days.
working, off days.
well, realised life has been just that.
and imagine myself going through this frequency
for the next 20 years?
it's gonna be quite a suicide.
anyway my family had appeared two more members.
temporary staying with us.
my one and only elder cousin,
and his mom, my aunt.
was pretty good in some ways,
having them around in the house.
because my home has been filled with noise now.
not like that past,
where there's only sounds of TV,
or maybe soft chats.
i have a talkative aunt,
who will always be talking with my mum.
it's like they have got sooooooooo many things to chat about.
i guess that happens to me and sis too.
i understand.
they grew up together.
being the only sisters in the family.
same goes to me and sis.
:)
boy has been saying:
let's try applying for house by end of this year.
and i gotta feeling
the proposal is near...
and i think i know when he's gonna set the date.
and i guess i know what he's gonna say..
(because last night he asked me what's the difference between being engaged and getting married)
hummph...
why would you ever ask ur partner about sucha question...
-__-"""
anyway,
let's wait and see...
:)
i know proposal is never easy.
furthermore i've got some CRITIRIA before i'll say 'Yes, I Do.'
wahahahaa...
so boy,
think about it.
think harder.
because this is gonnna be the worst braincells-cracking event,
as compare to cracking it for activities to do together...
:D
yesterday was a random planning due to my off day.
and it turned out smooth and successful.
love this outing much!
everything were so great..
went to watch Step Up 3.
and it was awesomely amazing.
i would admit with both hands,
that i'm a dance-idiot.
always moving with the same side limbs.
if you know what i mean...
especially the last part of the World Jam.
when both teams were competing.
awesome!
thumbs up, toes up, to Step Up.
as planned,
we travelled by bus for this outing.
and....
it's been quite a while since we eat at restaurant.
was planning to go Applebees, or maybe KPO at town.
went to Applebee and realised the variety was little.
the food were expensive and dun seem appetising.
went KPO got shock by the cars parked outside.
:)
so we were 313.
roamed around all the restaurants,
looked into their menu before entering.
there we were at basement 2.
and this was what we picked by the end of the day.
this was my pan-stir prawn and fish.
the fish was tender.
prawn were SWEEEEET.
mashed potato was pureed nicely.
the dipping sauce was awesome.
and lastly those vegs,
the dressing made it fab-fab fabulous!
his grilled chicken and pork.
specially meant for a carnivore like him.
a giant meat eater.
and dessert for the day.
waffles!
the crunch of the warm waffle,
mixed with icy brownie chocolate,
give it a cold warm feeling.
NICEEEEEE!
people who have not been to Hot Tomato.
please, forgoodnesssake,
go and try Hot Tomato.
cheap.
and everything i ordered were nice.
plate licking good.
really.
*slurp*
went to a few bars at orchard.
but not that type we wanted.
look around many places,
but there's one place in mind,
CHIJMES!
CHIJMES has always been an amazing place to chillout.
and we picked Harry's Bar.
played DEAL.
we ordered a bottle of sparkling Harry's chardonnay.
well, it tasted better when it was chilled.
and both of us finished the whole bottle
within 2hours.
and best thing was,
both of us got TIPSY!!
waahhhaa..
i understand the fact that he used to be very good with alcohol.
but after putting infos about the harm excess alcohol consumption can cause,
he had stop drinking,
and for that reason why he felt tipsy after drinking wine now.
it was still a great outing for both of us.
the walking and searching for nice places to go.
and the environment.
just everything went out so perfect.
love it.
the drinking session for just the two of us,
was something new.
it's our first time after 33 months together.
other times were with friends.
and this first time was truely memorable.
boy, thanks for the outing.
thanks for being there making this event successful.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.
i loves you.
:D
ok, i did not forget.
HAPPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!well, not celebrating for him this year.
guess it was due to my night shift.
and the fact that i can't change it.
ohwells, had it spent at home,
eating mum's cooking instead of cakes or GIANT feast.
so,
HAPPY 26TH BRO! ps: i'm feeling contented that you're finally on your feet now. after 26years of living! do continue and i believe you will be an independent person soon...
it has been peaceful for the past 2nights.
i need this last one to be perfectly ended as well.
because i've got plan right after work.
i need it to be a perfect one.
so well, today right after work,
noted it was the last day for ECG competency course,
and Er and i went down right after night shift.
know what,
our minds were BLANK.
assessor asked:
"what's ECG for, who will need an ECG?"all that was in my empty mind was: Heart Problem Patient.
seriously, never try asking questions that need thinking,
to someone who have not been sleeping over the night.
and know what,
brain jam always happen after that.
er, yvonne and i were laughing at how poorly we did for the course,
but of course we were competent.
by the end of the day,
before we left the hall,
we realised we took the NHC paper and not SGH paper.
-_-"
that was how amazing post-night-syndromes were.
something more about this round of night shift.
i literally eat non stop,
eat alot.
eat a mountain of food during breaktime.
and after 4-5hours,
my stomach started groaning again.
then er and i went for breakfast before heading home.
this night shift is making me gain 10kgs!!!
after tonight,
slimming session...
so last night,
i started my first day of night.
initially i thought i'll be in charge of one of the station,
then there were changes,
and i was posted to HD.
and be junior.
in the middle of the night,
this patient woke up.
due to the fact i need to enter his room every hour,
to check on his urine output.
suddenly he asked me to take out his restrainers,
as he was feeling difficult.
without knowing his history,
i took one side of the restrainer out.
then he started chatting with me.
not thinking it was anything fishy,
because most patient likes to chat with nurses.
and i thought he was one of those.
he initiated to remove the another side of the restrainer.
and i taught him not to pull out those tubes in him before removing.
after removing,
i observed his act for a little while.
still holding onto one of the restrainer,
he started mumbling to me.
asked a few times for him to repeat himself,
but he was mumbling still.
next moment i brought my ear nearer to him
to catch what he wanna expressed.
and to my fearfulness,
he grabbed my neck towards him.
it was quite a tight grabbed thinking back about it now.
it freak the hell out of me,
and i was lucky i'm still surviving.
got my colleague in to help me tie him up.
after reading his history,
he was known to be restless most of the time.
but he was one of our ex-patient.
and in the past, he was not behaving like that.
also the fact that,
before he fell asleep (when i started my shift),
he was rationale and concious.
when i did procedures on him,
he was just crouchy but not restless.
i've learnt another lesson again.
it's really freaking me out.
guess i was little traumatised now.
gonna caution this old fella for the next two days...
sigh!!
having seen a lot of drama series,
and always i will told myself,
"hope this will not be happening to me in the future."but well,
now it does.
it is really my worst nightmare.
i hope things are not as bad as i thought.
boy,
i never thought it will ever happen in our relationship.
but since you have mentioned it,
i'll take those words.
maybe what you said is true.
maybe we spend too much time on each other?
and the fact that we did not have time for them instead.
i thought she was ok with it.
but i'm wrong.
those words do shock me.
those words were impactful enough.
maybe i need to return you your time...
the time you used to accompany her.
now, all i could do is endure,
and tell myself 'it's ok'.
this gonna be a future problem.
but at least it surfaced out before anything else occurred.
what else could i ask for?
i know what your answer is.
and well,
by the time you tried saving me,
i'm drown in the pool....
i wished i could just have you in this world,
but i realised i was dreaming.
life don't just consist of the two of us,
but yet many others as well.
it's time to balanced up.
i won't like it seeing you tied in the middle.
if you are being tied,
tell me!
if you need more time for her,
tell me!
i can only try to accomodate as much of those request as possible.
hope this round of my nightshift
will give you more time to have time for her.
and i know,
days of seeing you every single day is vanishing... ... ...
it's ghost festival.
it's fasting month.
and the fact that death rate at work place,
have been increasing with the no. of days.
lately, a particular bed in my ward,
had 3death case already.
and it's sounded like a curse.
working during this month isn't something very pleasant.
hoping for the better.
because it's not healthy for the staffs and even myself...
badminton isn't a bad sport by it's first name.
meet up with yanting, dawn, boy and (what's that guy's name?)
played for 3hrs.
sweat for 3litres.
and after the game,
put in 300 calories back into our body.
haha...
so i've spent my off days with EXERCISING!
how nice isn't it.
:)
sometimes i just got so lazy to walk.
and i finally tried out an activity which both of us were lousy at.
and we fell non stop.
it was a new activity that we are learning.
and it was really fun.
after 10years,
i finally put it on and play it again..
:)
anyways happy 33rd to my lovely partner.
never had enough of him...
it was a normal morning shift on tues.
never expect things to turn out so bizarre.
and for the first encounter of resuscitation,
after one and half years of being a nurse.
for the first time i was involved.
i could have been more tactful towards those vital signs and symptoms.
but only if the night staff did something to it before passing things to me.
so my patient ended in hypovolemic shock.
when his pupils were dilated,
sternum rub and giving pain to nail bed shows unresponsive,
i know i have to inform the team.
the consultant from SICU review the patient,
but ended up,
my patient went to HD at my ward.
he suddenly turn responsive.
and more lines were inserted for him.
blood was transfused,
due to the complication post-operation.
2hrs after sending him to HD,
while i was passing report to HD staff,
patient collapsed.
yelled to the HD staff to get the doctor,
and then i realised
he is no longer breathing.
his pulse were absent.
eyes wide open. stiffened.
blood vomitted out from his mouth.
and the lines were back flowed with blood.
looking at the alarming monitor,
his heart rate drop to 32,
then 13,
and ASYSTOLE.
straight line.
for the first time,
i pressed CODE BLUE for true.
family member cried terribly behind us.
making me more panicky.
soon the whole resus team came.
atropine, adrenaline, atropine, adrenaline.
sodium bicarb, and looking at the time,
resus had occured for 15mins.
i'm glad the SICU concultant came to help in the resus too.
being the one giving instructions to those junior doctors
on what to do,
on what to give next.
finally half an hour had past.
we have come to the last resort.
and again, for the first time,
i've seen a Defibrillation.
never had a chance to see it when i was at NICU.
and well,
it's was really the last choice.
i believe the resus team had tried their best.
it was something we didn't want to hear,
but my patient didn't make it.
i feel for the family.
because patient was admitted for an elective operation.
if he did not came for the operation,
he might still be around.
well, it was all fated.
i learnt something out from this event.
and it will be a memorable event for me in this career.
because the day before,
he was still a crouchy man,
who had been fasted for hours due to the operation.
who knows the next day,
he passed on.
i thought about my uncle again.
so many people wanted to live so badly.
but he was given a healthy body,
yet he did not treasure.
it's hard for me to do something to those emotions.
all i need PEACE.
time flies.
it's coming to 2/3 of the year.
realising how fast time flies.
thinking back about how happening this year was.
i couldn't stop thinking about it.
are my resolution met this year?
i'm left with 4 more months to meet them..
the first time i saw you,
i was curious.
to me, you don't look attractive.
i thought maybe you were different.
because you actually attracted many people.
soon i got to know you.
it started off nice.
the feeling of having you with me,
makes me float in the air.
it became an addict seeing you,
having you beside.
and everytime we kissed,
you makes me wants more.
lately i was quite busy.
only managed to find you once a while.
i missed you everytime i pass by you.
but others were crowding in front of you.
well, what to do.
i'm just so addicted to you....
KOI...
i'm glad i'm back to leading my normal life.
probably emotionally.
finally i had my off day.
enjoying with fun people.
thanks to boy.
and yanting, weixiang and alan.
thanks for the outing last night.
because i did enjoyed myself,
and i'm finally feeling much better compared to last week.
though some of us were really tired and sleepy,
it was a very nice outing,
with durian feast at Geylang last night.
and to boy,
sorry i need you to spare out your study time
to accompany me.
all the best for your exam on monday.
thanks people for the outing, once again.
and KOI bubble tea was something
that cheered my day as well.
NICE!
:))
i need to be back to work.
it's been 2 weeks
since i last work at 68.
well, i am very relunctant to go back.
because my AL was not fulfilling.
i put in the slot because of the trip.
and there's something called Compassionate Leave in my organisation.
how i wish i could cancel the current AL slot,
and changed it to CL instead.
it's like,
i needed those Annual Leave,
mainly for travelling.
and i'm disappointed i couldn't change.
it's just all fated.
hasn't been the girl i used to be,
felt that i've been reacting abnormally.
thanks to Ting,
who dated me out on National day.
and we really chatted a lot.
meeting up with shiyun, alex, alan, weixiang after that.
i'm just hoping that i can be back to the active me.
somehow i don't understand what is missing.
i am still having the sense of losing something.
why is that so?
boy is back.
but why am i not as happy as before.
why am i not recovering?
why am i not like the one before?
what's wrong with me?
why am i not happy?
i keep having the feeling of not enough fun,
and that i needed a longer break.
i don't understand why...
there was this saying,
on the 7th day after a person passed away,
they will turn into a moth,
and appeared in the home.
do you believe?
from the day i received the news,
to seeing the investigator moving uncle's body.
and going to and fro to Sin Ming Road,
where his wake was.
the image of seeing him,
though in the coffin.
placing those joss stick around him.
having been beside grandma,
making sure she don't faint.
consoling her whenever she repeat the story
and cried so hard so deep so sorrowful.
it hurts me.
it hurts sis.
the time we say our prayers to him.
to the last ceremony.
and while we were at Mandai Crematorium,
to the process where his body got cremated.
my first time in this life time
witnessing this whole process.
my first time.
thanks to the other relatives,
who helped so much with this wake.
right now,
i had so much to say,
but i dunno how to express my words.
i can't believe the lost.
everytime i thought about why he do it,
i just couldn't believe he is lost.
i guess i still need a moment of time healing.
half way enjoying the steamboat last night
with jia en, sharon and er,
when i received the shocking messages from mummy.
a close relative of mine commit suicide.
and he was found dead in his room.
he actually hung himself.
and it was really unexpected.
i was so worried about grans.
i'm afraid both of them could not take the blow.
it was something no one ever expected to happen.
suddenly i don't know what else to say.
i've seen so many deaths in workplace,
but i'm sure this feeling is totally different.
i decided to give up the trip to Penang.
was thinking so deep, so much.
being so undecisive towards handling this.
but well, i just want to make a decision that i will not regret in the future.
whether is he my NOK,
whether am i in good relationship with him,
whether is there a need for me to stay through out the whole ceremony,
i have made my decision.
this unsuccessful trip is fated.
maybe something might happen if i were to travel?
i believe in fate...
planning for steamboat session with those girls later.
the batch of girls that loves to gossip.
a gathering for us
before i leave to Penang tml.
with er, jia en, sharon.
KIV MJ and yvonne.
:)
can you think of a better thing to do besides this?
3rd day of Leave.
and this is what i planned to do.
:)
ended my attachment at w52 ICU.
comes my annual leave.
anyway first day of AL,
it's time to apply for advance diploma.
application is out since 27 july.
a few documents to prepare.
closing date on 19th Aug.
and then it will be an endless of praying.
praying damn damn hard that i can get into the course.
because i know
the current workplace that i am at,
is definitely not where i wanted to be.
have been asking around.
and i guess what i am doing,
was being dependent.
dependent to FATE.
have been telling myself,
if i don't get in,
i'll sure change the environment i'm working at.
the health issue has been making me confused
about what i really like.
because any choice i thought of,
the health issue wet blanket the idea.
and thinking that if i manage to get into the course,
where should i continue after i graduate?
guess it's been still a big mess up in my mind.
and i have really leave it to fate this time round.
what do i really enjoy doing?
i really cannot figure out anymore...
have you ever encounter an event that you saw in public,
and in mind you hoped that
that will never happen to you?
i always encounter that...
maybe it's time to blog again.
