<body>
You can't copy! :P
• •
28 February 2008

was reading this magazine article last night and come out of this thought: how can one party 'GIVE IN' in a relationship?

what is the actual meaning of 'giving in' in a relationship? what's the right actions in 'giving in'. have anyone thought abt it? i am thinking.. in a relationship, one party try to give in to the other party. but how much he/she can give in? all the time? will they feel that the problem will still remain exist after so much of compromising and giving in? will they thinks that he/she was the one who always give in? how much can one give in?

what if he/she try to talk things out? doesn't it always come to quarrels? is it always like that?

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i stay home ytd and baked cookies. i spent 2hrs on it. lots of effort. while it's still hot, i let mom, sis, and sis's fren to try. let them be the guinea pig. sis and fren said it was nice. my mom, one look and she knows where the problem lies. i put too much water and the heat was not enough.

well i guess this was my first attempt after 7yrs while i first baked cookies during secondary school's 'home economics' lesson. i still rmb the taste of what we've cook that time. it taste quite alike with what i've baked ytd, but ytd ones were a bit failed. but i still love the taste of the melted butter with sugar. [i know it's sinful].

boy came to surprised me last night. well.. i let him taste the cookies. he's the first to say it tasted awful. i feel like walking off seeing that expression. so saddening. come on! my first try using my new oven at home. you were so blunt. you actually threw it to the cat. sigh.. i mind that, boy. yes, i did laugh with you. but that doesn't mean i'm ok with it. sigh.. you were so blunt with words. pls care abt how i feel... :(

but at least i know my family appreciated my effort.

well.. it's ok. at least i know sometimes my family loves my food. i know they always love my pasta. i'm not giving up cooking just like that. cause i believe practise make things better. but dun expect me to cook for you again. cause i take comments seriously...

tml is pay day. tml is 29feb! tml is the day i'm collecting MAYDAY CONCERT TICKET! buahahahahaha.... [happy happy]


• •
27 February 2008

went out ytd for movies! xiaowei had 'booked' me ytd and we went to watch 'Jumper'. nice nice. we catch the 1.35pm show. den we went orchard for shopping! not much of shopping but chatting and do what we girls always do at town.

we went kinokuniya and got my 'wanted book'-' p.s i love you'. yesah! finally i got that book for $17.12. den soon after somemore strolling at town, i sending her off to the bus-stop, den went to meet my long-time-no-see boyboy. went for dinner at cine. we plan to watch 'ah long' but lido only got 9.45pm timeslot. [siansation]. so ended up, i din manage to have my ever-first movie marathon.

we planned to go PS to play arcade, only realised he misplace his tapped card. it's quite not worthy buying another card. so we went jalan jalan instead. went carrefour. and den sat outside PS and enjoy ourselves.

well, basically, thinking back. ytd wasn't a very successful days. BUT our mood wasn't drain off by that. instead we both are happier and reacted more 'ah siao'. it's more fun that way. i guess maybe due to the fact that honeymoon period is over, things dun turn out as we planned. but we're still lovely and happy having each other at the side. am i right to say that, boy? haha..

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after so many days of MIA, i'm finally back to life already. i've mend amendments to life and the approach to accept things in life. i hope after the previous incident, i'm able to hang on longer, persistently manage any problem that arrives in life. i dun wanna feel weak. i know my frens do care a lot for me after this incident. i'm announcing that: anna is totally fine now! she's going to manage all thunderstorms and hurricane in her life. 我是强者. i won't be as easily defeated as before.

well, lately workplace is still in complete mess. i'm not in it. i'm only outsider. to gossip. one of my bestiest fren at workplace just got fired last night. so sad. she's being accused and backstabbed by things she never done. well, the boss is unreasonable. well, yusran was part of the reason why she was sacked! dammit! why yus again? why must he always create problem. i can only say he is sonofthebitch-idiot-basturd.[ sorry abt the language]


• •
24 February 2008

battle started last night. it's the climax now. i'm struggling with myself. indeed, problems lies with me, it starts off with me. i never understand how neglectful i was. i was blind up by everything around me. i am immature. immature to handle my life--making it all in a mess. i failed to balance up my life. i admit. all this while, i'm at fault. i'm in the wrong...

i made her cried last night. how unfilial this is. there's a knot between our ties. a knot none of us show an initiative to loosen it. now this knot is tighter. it's so hard to loosen. i didn't imagine how bad i am. until last night. sis talked sense to me, again. the problem between me and mummy must be solve this time round. i didn't realised that i've totally neglected her. how should i face her now?

she give me a home. which ended up broken. it broke up so unwillingly and unexpectedly that everyone is hurt. i accepted the fact that i'm in a broken family. no father. indirectly no father. he still exist, but it's not acknowledged. i am selfish. i blamed her indirectly. blamed her that she give me a broken family. i went out all day. never give a thought abt her. since then, i've been searching for everything to make myself happy. out with boy's family. went out with frens. making sure that at least i have a bunch of frens who cared for me. i had ignored that the hurt she is feeling is more than i am taking in.

i always wondered why she must reject and object to my RS.. now i know! i tend to neglect her more when i'm in a RS. i spend more time with him and also with friends. yet i forgotten her existance. i never imagine how lonely she is.i only mind abt how i feel and how others see me. but i had never spared some thoughts for her. i didn't respect her. i admit that too. i simply cared too much abt myself. but not her.

it's hard bringing up kids. even harder when your partner is not doing it with you. how terrible it feels. all this was never a moment in my mind until last night. after what sis told me, i'm hurt. i'm disappointed with myself. totally disappointed. now i realised how evil i really is. i need everyone to leave me alone now. i need to go missing. a sudden missing to make me reflect on myself and change to the better. i know i have a bad character. for ppl who know me for long, you guys shd know. for those ppl who dun, good for you. i need some time to reflect on myself. maybe 1week. maybe more. i dunno. i will show up when i recover. i need to be missing.

all i want to say is, i dun want comparison! however, i lead a different life from ppl around me. no one can help except my sis. i lead a tougher life than everyone around. i am planned to go the tougher way. it's fated. no one will understand what i'm going through, even if you did, it's only the surface.

so! all these while, the happiness that i've found in life, is what i'm giving up now. because they are the act of selfishness. there are many things in my life now, that i need to give up. many of those are part of my happy life. but one thing i will not give up is my RS. maybe things will be much more easier to manage if i end the RS, but i'm not going to do that. it's a sin if i do that. everytime i thought that i might need to end off my RS, i won't be able to control my tears. it's not that i'm sad. but it's just something not i'm not willing to do. something that concern abt my future. something that is impossible to end, yet.

to my dearest: boy, i need you to be happy. stay happy these few days when i'm not around. be happier than me. please! i've promise that i won't leave you. reason for that: these days i'll be assuming that you are happy. i told you to leave me alone for a few days. sorry to force you. but i'm in difficulties. Please, the day when i come back, share with me your happy moments. tell me how you spent your days. dun lie to me.
my intention is: i rather assume that you are happy, than assuming that you are worrying for me. because i know i am not able to contact you... take care. i'll be back. this background song is for you.


• •
22 February 2008

happie birthday to fatfat and chip!!!
[lets see how this lovely couple spent their one yr together in the same cage...]
loving each other dearly..


doing and sharing things together..



rest at the same time..

eat the same thing..

sleep on each other..

and when the wife is tired, hubby let her rest on him..

she did a good job for him..

while he... stare blindly..

this is my lovely babies.. it's their birthday ytd. cuties.. happie birthday to these lovely babies of mine. hope they will stay healthy all the while and stay with me as long as possible. my fatfat and chipchip..



• •
20 February 2008

our 3rd month cum valentine's day celebration...
who says my valentines day got no flowers?
see! ppl.. envy right??
this sunflower is smiling at me. she's cheering me up. looking at the sunflower, my favourite flower. so yellowish. so big. it really has an effect of smiling at me. cheerfully. just somehow, sunflowers are the biggest remedy to my sadness. this is the 3rd time receiving sunflower. the feeling of receiving is always the same-- uniquely kind of feeling. well, they are just the most beautiful things on earth to me!
this is what i've received ytd. from my boy. sunflowers. cookies. card. and a phone chain.
a lot of effort done. boy, xin ku le.. your effort is greatly appreciated.
well, i went to his house after exam. went for lunch with him and his mom. went back to his house to sleep. wake up, prepare for outing. went orchard. cineleisure. buy ticket-- 'p.s. i love you'. went jalan at HMV. got my sodagreen first album at 11bucks only. yesah!! best deal of the day. went to eat the wanton mee at level 4. mum mum.. nice. went to cineleisure to jalan before the show starts.
ok! movie time.. OMG!!! this movie.. i give 5 stars. it's really the best movie i ever watch. 15bucks for both of us is so fruitful. ok! i'm looking for the novel for this movie. this movie was actually from one of the best selling novels in NY. and i'm looking for it.
i cried quite a lot of times through out the movie. sometimes i just enjoy the crying. but ppl who've watched will understand why i cried. really. it's really damn nice.
after movie, my gastric pain arise. making me so xin ku. went for dinner and home sweet home.
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• •

why am i crying? why? thought i said to be strong? thought that both of us are going through this battle together? why am i still crying?

i should be asking myself: [why am i being forced to break-up once again?] it's been the forth time i was being ask to break-up by my mom again.. there's something i don't quite understand. afterall, my futures are in my hands. i am clearer of what i want and my expectations. my expectations are far from yours. and why must you interfere and compare?

like what alice said: relationship is not a game! yesh.. it's indeed not a game. how can i end when you ask me to?? it takes effort to understand someone you really love and a lot of time to persist one. why are you chossing to ruin my happiness?

it took me long.. so long that i can ever imagine and expect.. from my previous relationship to the current one. i was hurt so deeply, when i broke up, knowing that you will not like it if the relationship carries on. i choose to be ypur puppet for once. no more twice. i actually took roughly a year to recover from the impact. now i'm facing the new life and start it once over again, but seems like you are smashing it in front of me.

last night i had a long chat with a new friend of mine. he told me abt his past relationship. well, i guessed he is going thru what i've been thru. pretty similar. i understand how it feels. the hurt in you, the phobia of accepting a new relationship, a hatred to see couples, annoying days of loneliness, all the bits and puzzles of days spending alone hoping that no one will realise your presence. all these, i've been thru. it hurts totally.

well, during that point of time, when only realising that i was running in circles over and over again, makes me wake up. wake up from the escape of facing new life. wake up from the hurt and torture. face the life that i once enjoyed. be myself again and be cool.. lifes not simple. obstacles are always there. for ppl to overcome. but obstacles can be avoided. it's a long and tough journey for me within that 1yr. i can sense that life is getting tougher for me.

i must say this: battle is beginning soon. i'm not surrenderring now and not later. i must stay strong and determined in this relationship. i must overcome this. because i've been thru once, so no more second time.


• •
15 February 2008

fun fun fun...

ytd i really had a lot of fun during the celebration of boy's mom's bday. cool... no regrets. all thanks to alice.. haha.. well, went to spore science center. i'm meeting their family straight there. not forgetting the cake i bought. waited quite a while before they arrived.

his mom was so cute. went over to wish his mom. and she gave me an angpow. gosh, was so bu hao yi si to accpet. cause i din expect and intend to receive it. but, still BIG thanks to aunty.. hmmm.. over there is like so wide variety of food. guess all of us was starving and while we were settled, we all went to get piles and piles of food..[enjoy]

seriously, their family are damn cool. everyone look so loving and happie family. just like what i used to have when i was young. all of them have the 'mo qi' in them.

jokes and laughter. stomach cramping. jaw cramping. and his mom, laugh till she tears. partly due to wasabi and partly due to the jokes his sis was bringing up. joyus! i love the part when i was on the lorry that his dad drives.[yes, i sat on lorry ytd.] so far in life, i had only sat on lorry twice. i'm just so addicted to sitting on lorry after last night. soooooo cooooool.... the strong wind that 'spray' on my face was SHIOK. but one thing is, it really messed up my hair totally. hahaha..

after last night, i told my boy to let me join them every sunday for their family day. it's really very blissful feeling like a one big family. the bonding and... everything.

was something that i lost having after years. that kind of feeling that i used to enjoy but never had a chance to have it again. they give me a feeling of something i always wanted again. it's a greatful chance last night. thanks boy...


• •
14 February 2008

happie valentines to everyone!!!!

actually, i planned to burn my valentines day to study with my HS2035. but after alice called me this noon, i've decided to go out!!!! i can't stand studying straight 5days staring at the same book. so, since it's valentines day and also weihao's mom b'day, i shall GO OUT!!!

since everyone threw their books aside to celebrate, i shall follow.. well, boy and family decided to eat at sakura--science centre. it's been so long since i last been there. i'm joining them. i suddenly feel like a free bird being release from the cage. i'm not going to care how late i'm hanging out till, and going to hack what my mom gonna do to me, i just wanna enjoy myself today. and hopefully everyone enjoys too.

talking abt gifts.. hmmm.. i'm still preparing my boyboy valentines present. well, we said to celebrate on 19th. so today's outing, the spotlight is still on his mom. hahaha.. after thinking of what to get for his mom, boy suggested 'cake'. coffee cake.. hmmm.. ok.. shall go buy one later.

ok, i think i'm rushing off for my date. bye..

to my nursing fren: all the best for tml's exam..


• •
12 February 2008

how will my valentine's day be spent? studying? [most probably.. ]
it's so saddening to stay at home preparing for exams on valentines. it's worst when you have your valentines but you are unable to go out with him..

well.. this yr valentines is so different. yup! i have my boyboy. but guess what.. on 14feb, it's his mummy's birthday. how sweet to have birthday falls on valentines, right? actually i've been squeezing brain juice on what to get for his mom. flowers? cake? or.. gold chain?? i'm still thinking....

due to my first idiot paper that falls on the 15 of feb, i shall 'postpone' my celebration to the 19feb. same day as our 3rd moniversary.. heh heh.. fast eh.. 3months le.. means? honeymoon period is over soon.. but that doesn't mean that our life will be dull and bored.. cause we both just can't stand boring life.. hehe.. shall plan something big..

anyway.. it's post CNY mood. i'm starting my working-out real soon.. i need to slim down. diet diet.. junk food? shoo... go away! fried food? also shoo.. go away.. chocolate? come come.. [i just can't resist chocolates]..

have been studying and munching these days.. bad for health.. i need to stay healthy and... SLIM. muacks..

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this post is a reflection of the post on 10feb..

If i kept silence, there will be at least a bit of freedom. But too much of silence lead to anger. [jeopardize]

It's just hard to understand. But I'm forced to be whom i don't wanna be. Stay silence is what I'm deciding. No more revealing. I'm tired. I'm sturbborn. That's me.

It's my own life. I choose to stay happy. No unhappiness for me. All i want is LP- love, peace. I need those.

I'm getting out of my 'self-struggle'. Back to the road, leading the life that belongs to me. Buck up! Buck up! anna.. You can make it!


• •
10 February 2008

[studying in progress!!!]

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If you think that after reading this, you'll be able to understand what i'm posting, go ahead and read...

[Emo] [Confusion] [moody]

i need to vent out my unhappiness!
i always hated pressure in relationship. i hated control. All i need is to have a freewill in doing what i want. make the choice that i want...

Is it always my fault? Am i always the cause of my own problems? Can i just push the blame to others at once? just once!?!

Anna: a typical saggittarian. hated being control by. i am just unable to accept being control by. i'm more unable to accpet stress and pressure in my relationship. any pressure will eventually cause me to have negative thoughts towards my realtionship.

my mom. knew about my realtionship all this while. i dunno if it's a good thing or bad. i always feel that it is bad. because she will interfere... Am i unfilial to say this? well, but if i hide from her, she'll find out when she finds out. if i let her know, she'll control me like a bird in a cage and restrict me from this and that. i truly understand her stand. all the worrying, carig, in the bottom of her heart. but the way she showered me with, just ended up so harsh!!

all i wanted is to have the chance to make my own choice in life. giving me harsh comments will not turn me any good. i will only go against you more. i dun take the harsh way..

lately, things happened. curfew is set! how shitty life can be. Is she forcing me to lie my way through again? i hate lying, but... ... all the pressure i felt have been accumulating. a pile now, big one. And negative thoughts roam into me. i'm tired. Quite tired. Not very tired, just quite. why must all my relationships go through this stage? she is always indirectly forcing me to end it!

but all i can say is, i dun dare and dun bear to do it. boy, i really dun dare. ytd i suddenly felt that we had so little things in common. suddenly everything changes. i'm so afraid. i broke down and cried in front of you. i can't take it. i can't stand the pressure the more i think.
You're right. i think a lot. my mind just goes 24/7. it's hard to control. it works with my emtions. when i'm stress, i think a lot. sorry for being a crybaby. i know you tried cheering me the whole day. thanks for that. at least i know that when the world gives up on me, you didn't and stand by me.

right now, my time is left for studies. not much time left. how i wish i can let out this feeling deep rooted in me!
talk out? (no one is there to hear me!
write out? (can't really expressed out totally)
cry out? (tears are dried up)
escape?( best solution right now! but it'll still remain unsolve....)


• •
05 February 2008

went to watch '27dresses' ytd with boy boy.. it's very nice!!! well, it's those typical romance that i always enjoy watching... fantastic! as usual, the last part of it, made me cry... touched to cry. tears of joy. felt happy for jane. she's finally getting married with her 28th dress.

i shd say that i'm always hooked by this kind of love movies/ shows. i dun find it boring. although many might feel that the ending is always the same, i simply just love it! i love the simple love in the story. something that i always dream and imagine on... nice!!!!

erh herm!!! tml is my last day of attachment le... finally... i shd say i will miss ah doo... and the good nurses who guide us along.. for the bad ones, will still remain and remind me with bad memories... and tml is CNY eve. this year... sian.. although i have completed my last min shopping of ny clothes, i totally not in my CNY mood. due to EXAMS. tooopid exam. why must it be during CNY period??? idiot! whatever. i can sense that this yr i won't be very enthu with outing but more enthu with swallowing of books and mugging hard... what to do? [saddening]

i guess this yr i will try to avoid getting angpow from adults too. i feel that i'm old enough to earn my own living. *though not much* well, maybe you guys might feel that i'm stupid but this is what i think: earning money is hard. we have hard time earning. so are the adults. since we can start earning money, why still collect theirs? what i wanna do is to collect the angpow from my relatives. meaning the paper only with no money inside.. isnt it the same meaning with getting the one with money inside?


• •
01 February 2008

CNY is so around the corner. i haven done much of spring cleaning yet. everyday reach home, eat bath and sleep. din help mummy do chores. guess she is getting mad at us for not helping her. cause she's been spring cleaning and preparing for CNY all on her own.

well, tml was supposed to meet boy boy to go to his fren's house-warming. but last min cancel. so weird.. anyway, my mom wanted me to accompany her to chinatown to shop and stuff. so? well, i got no choice but to choose to go with my mom. if not she gonna nag at me again. so i'm not meeting boy tml...

well, boy, i'm sorry if you feel neglected. it's like i'm having attachment and no time for you. now we guys can only meet up on sat, but i still can't meet you. sorry boy... hope you'll be understand my position. you know my mom's attitude and stuff.

anyway, i dun think i'm able to meet him that often. it might drift us further, but... sigh.. what can i do? i sometime just sucks at arranging my time. *headache* someone tell me what to do can? exam coming and i wanna balance up my time for studies and for him...
[what shd i do!!!!!]
boy, i wanna hear from you. pls tell me what you're thinking..

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• •

finally got the time to blog...
i'm counting down... 3 more days to last day of attachment. 2more weeks to first paper.
as you know, i'm right now busy with attachment and as well as mugging hard for exams..
how can i be not stress?

anyway, i guess in this attachment, the patient i will always rmb is 'ah too'. omg... this ah pek here is just soooooo damn cute and funny. he brighten our attachment period.. can't forget all the nonsense he told us. all the, 'i'm flying to outer space', 'i used to be an ah beng', and 'putting fleet enema will make him become a gay'... haha... it's really funny till the max.

i can say i have never laugh that hard le. it's really nice and fun talking to this kind of patient. can't believe that he is already 81 yrs old. but he is quite poor thing in a way too..

counting down: 3more days to end attachment.
counting down: 14more days to start my first paper.




Profile
the unique one

ANNA MERCIER RENé
21.DEC.1988

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^hotair balloon ride before age 25
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^
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